Why do the people I love hurt me

There is a type of cold that pierces the skin and adheres to the senses, to the deepest part of our being. It is the hurtful gelidity of those who do not consider us, who neglects us, who suddenly has a bad word or does something unexpected and painful. Why do the people I love hurt me? This question, surprisingly enough, we ask ourselves several times throughout our lives.

The British poet George Granville said that there is no pain more devastating than that produced by love and, in a way, nothing can be truer. Because people invest a lot of emotional energy in those links. We need daily support because affection gives roots, love creates bonds and builds the fabric of trust, which allows us to feel safe and validated in our relationships.

Thus, the fact that this universe of emotions and affections is broken hurts as much or more than a physical injury. Do we perhaps expect too much from the people around us and who make up our most intimate circle? This is what more than one could say, that we sin of innocents. However, there is a crucial aspect that we must understand.

Every social and emotional bond is the product of an unwritten pact by which one expects not to be damaged. This principle applies to family relationships, between parents and children, between siblings. It is also expected that our partner does not betray us and does not carry out any behavior capable of generating pain. The same goes for those people we consider life partners, soul friends.

Why do the people I love hurt me?– Manuel Hernández Pacheco, a psychologist and biologist from the University of Malaga, wrote in 2019 a book entitled Why do the people I love hurt me? It addressed the issue from a neurological point of view, focusing on the concept of attachment and paying special attention to the adolescent population.

People, as social beings, at the end of the day need significant links and those healthy attachment figures to feel good, to reduce stress and to feel part of a group. All this is decisive at a very specific stage of our life cycle: childhood and adolescence.

In this way, the child who is perceived as rejected and who wonders why the people he loves harm him will experience that so damaging psychological pain capable of causing trauma.

All these realities are not known. However, beyond the effect of that pain, of being hurt by whom we appreciate, whether our parents, our partners or friends, is why. Let’s analyze it below.

Those who think that, in love, everything goes- There are people like that, of whom they think that in matters of affection everything goes, that there are no limits or consequences. It is those figures that take it for granted that whatever they do will always be forgiven, of which they think that simply being a family or couple justifies almost anything.

Thus, an example of this would be that friend who shares our confidences with others thinking that we will not be angry. Also, that couple that makes decisions lightly and without considering us.